Having the job I always dream,

doing challenging things I’m passionate at,

with unexpected big salary,

and travelling abroad.

Tell me, nanny, why should I convert to my cousins’ job?

What their job can give to me?

And can it give me things above?

:/

epic dream is epic

rite???

As you may already know, I have one particular tiny little cousin who are very much envy with me and my sister’s achievement (read this http://froyolava.tumblr.com/post/6448533162). She always hides it in front of the entire family. But, my sister knows the truth about who she really is. My sister thought that she’s ashamed to have my sister as her cousin during high school (they went to the same high school, semi-military high school, btw) because my sister feels she was stupider and got into teacher blacklist for dating at school. Yet, truth be told that my sister was smarter than she was, proven with my sister got more superior class than her class for final-exam preparation class.

One day, I had a conversation with my another cousin (I won’t tell you his/her gender to hide her/his identity. haha!). He/she told me that maybe it wasn’t shame that my cousin hides feels. Maybe, she was threaten with my sister. The reason being is because my cousin always be the number one among her family from mother side (I’m her family from father side) and if compared with her sibling. She couldn’t admit the fact that there are other member of family from her father side who are smarter than her, which are me and my sister. Thus, she feels threaten, and she hides it by always avoiding my sister.

My another cousin’s opinion makes me thinking, that I used to feel threaten by her when I was in middle school. When she was accepted at the high school that I always wanted, while I wasn’t, I feel ashamed like a loser and locked myself up at my room. It continued when I chose social class as my concentration at second grade of high school. I chose social class coz I thought, I want to be UN Secretary General, I’ll take social related major in uni anyway, thus why the hell should I bother to learn natural science which I don’t like for two years? My cousin, who happen to have the same dream that her mother made up because she was threaten with me, chose natural science class (in Indonesia, there are only two concentrations at high school, natural science and social science, and, God forbid, conservative people still believes that natural science are way better and smarter than social concentration). Because of that, I thought she has given her dream up, and thus I didn’t see her as threat again. Truth be told that I was wrong, coz she wrote on her yearbook that she still wanted to be UN Sec-Gen. I thought again, gee, she’s still existing threat, but what the hell, I have won anyway coz I already on the right track. My victory continued when I was accepted as student of international relations department Universitas Indonesia, internationally recognized the best uni in Indonesia (read this http://www.thejakartaglobe.com/home/the-rankings-are-in-mixed-results-for-indonesian-universities/463429) and the hardest department to enter among entire universities in Indonesia until now (I had to beat up not less than 3000 other students to enter this department). Unfortunate for her, she was accepted at economic department of a second-grade public uni Indonesia. Not to mention, I’ve got much more achievements and organizational experiences than her during uni. So I thought I already on the track, I have more what it takes to achieve my dream than her, thus, she’s no longer proportional competitor for me. But she’s still existing threat, though really really small.

I’ve been joining therapy session with psychologist to cure my madness after my thesis accident. My therapist once told me “other people shouldn’t be small in order for you to be big. See it as if they are big, but you are bigger than them”. She also once said “people tend to think achievement means be number one among others, while in fact achievement means everything you’ve achieved for yourself, no matter how small it is”. It got me thinking that I don’t need to see my cousin, or anybody else as a threat anymore. The reason why I want to be UN Sec-Gen is because I want to help others as much as I can. And what I need is focus on my final destination, help others, not beating anybody up. It’s a win-win solution that my therapist told me. There are much more problems to be beat up (poverty, discrimination, racism, war, corruption, dictatorship, fundamentalism, AIDS and other diseases, inequality, homophobic, and much much more) instead of my cousin. 

Long story short, I feel pity to her if she still sees me and my sister as a threat, no matter what she thinks about her position whether she’s already win or still losing. Coz if that’s the case, she can’t focus on beating up those international problems and won’t have what it takes to achieve her mother made up dream. 

Even if she thinks she’ve already beaten me up coz she graduated sooner than I am, I don’t care. It’s me living against the world, not her.

I’ve just woke up from a very weird dream. In that dream, I have a boyfriend, a handsome one. And he seems love me very much. He holds my hand, kiss my hand, and hug me. This dream also appear on my sleep couple days ago.

I know it supposed to be a good dream. A very good one. But what I thought to be weird is that I’ve never wanted it. Not now. Am very happy with my single condition now…Am very busy with other business, and not ever thinking wanna have boyfriend now. 

Adek said that maybe this is what I want deep down in my heart. But I’ve never felt that…And I am the one who believe that every dream has its own meaning. And what about this dream? I believe that this dream has a good meaning behind it. Am pretty sure soon, Allah will send me a handsome boyfriend to accompany me. But is it really a good one??? If that happen, what am I supposed to do? What will happen with all the things am working now? What will happen my relations with Adek? Should I leave him? This is something that I dont wanna do from the very first beginning…

Gosh…