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I’m gonna miss you, but we’re gonna be fine

After 1 years and 8 months, it’s time for me to move from my current job at President’s Delivery Unit for Development Monitoring and Oversight.

It was a very respectful job. All people will be disinclined when hearing you are from President’s Unit. Not to mention that the salary here is high. Seems fun. But, every workplace has its own pros and cons.

Here in this office, I do the things that are not passion. I do the new things that I never did before. And I do the dirty works.

Well, I am very good at detail and dirty works as I am very detail person. But when u do the dirty things that are not your true passion, and not getting appropriate appreciation, you will be sick of it.

Here in this office, I meet a lot of cocky people who think they are coolest person in the room.

Here in this office, I work with lazy-ass people who think they already do their best.

Here in this office, I deal with citizens who think only what the nation could give to them and not what they could give to the nation.

Here in this office, I met and have to deal with shallow-minded perverts men who can’t appreciate beauty of Gods creature.

Here in this office, they don’t recognize my work at all. Yes they said they do, but they actually don’t.

Here in this office, I’m getting betrayed for the reason that I still don’t know. And that’s what hurt most.

Here in this office, I can’t give my 100%. I can’t explore my potential. And I can’t learn new knowledge that I want to learn.

But over all that,

From this office, I get so much money to keep my family (mom, dad, and sister) alive.

From this office, I learn how to “sacrifice” to help others.

From this office, I get the everyday access to Presidential Palace, to capture some photos, to get to know palace life, to buy official palace souvenirs that you can’t get in other places, or simply for lunch at palace canteen.

From this office, I get to know how big and complicated Indonesia is. I now get better understanding about my own country.

From this office, I learn about integrity when you are high-rank public officer in your country.

From this office, I got to hear more stories about how beautiful Indonesia is and encourage me to explore this country. And my travelling level raises to the more extreme level.

From this office I learn how to move on and loving someone unconditionally. Eventhough you get hurts most of the time.

On the top of all that, I get to know so many wonderful people and know about friendship from them.

Now it’s time for me to go because my contract in this office ends on 31st August 2014. I find trouble mostly in leaving these last people. Those last people are the ones who makes this office become my comfort zone. They’re the people who make me always wanna stay. They are my wonderwall.

I have to detach step by step from this office. I find returning back my ID and other office equipment very hard. But the fact that those last people still accept me no matter who I really am, and the fact that I can always go back to them whenever I need them makes me relieve. Plus, we love travelling anyway so there’s always reasons for us to be together.

Well, sometimes you know something is not good but it becomes your comfort zone so you just go with the flow.
Sometimes you know that in the end you will leave something, but you don’t like that fact so you just enjoy the moment. Until the reality slap you in the face and you really have to move.

Its never easy to break up, in any context. Especially if you have problem with detachment.

But I have my childhood dreams that need to be pursued again after more than one year wander around in different path. I have to go back to live my dreams into reality.

I’m gonna miss you. But we’re gonna be fine. Because nothing last forever.

Thank you. Cause you make me move

There have been many times I write a thank you note for something or someone via tumblr. And this writing is a special one. This is the story of how I finally can move on from the last man in my love life.

It took 1 years and 3 months before I finally (willing) to change my mind from this last man. Trust me, he is still the perfect man I am always look up to forever. It wasn’t that hard actually to move on from him. But I just didn’t want to move on simply because I couldn’t find anyone even closer like him. But in the end, when the heart moves, it moves.

The story began when someone new came to my office. We introduce ourselves to each other and he attracts me from the very first sight. However, since I know he’s below my age, I knew I don’t have any chance. So I forgot his existence.
But he kept popping out. He noticed my existence eventhough I didn’t notice his.

The moment he added me as his facebook friends was the first time he finally grab my attention. I finally remember his name at that moment. I started to become very curious about this boy. And the more I know about him, the more he is attractive for me.

Then I started to stop thinking about who was in my past. This new guy is totally different. The man in my past was a warm hearted guy. While this new guy is cold blooded. I don’t even understand why I fall for younger man. But here, feelings cant lie.

He boosts my energy to unstoppable. He was the one who gave me energy to stay working at the office until 11 PM to draft minister’s bill. He’s the one who gave me energy to stay awake until 3 AM to work on the volunteer project I was working on before. He wasn’t there to accompany me, no. But I know since I met him, my limit raises.

He was the one who gave me strength to face difficult office colleague. My relations with this difficult office colleague was smoother and better at the end. Because when I think about this special man, I don’t need to think about difficult people. I am no good to difficult people. So when someone could bring the good side of me, he must means that much to me.

I like to see him smiling and laugh. His glowing eyes and face-shape when he smile and laugh are like a drugs for me. But I couldn’t chase him coz he’s way out of my league. He’s just so young and full of potential. He deserves someone way better.

Our relationship was not smooth. There are some times when he puts me in sadness and disappointment for acting selfishly and take me for granted. There are times when I made mistakes too. At the end of the day, we found out that don’t fit to each other for some occasions. I realize now that my mistake was unable to distinguish feeling from professional work. And we messed everything up.

But I am still thankful. I am thankful that God sent him to my hellish office life. He is the answer to my prayer: I asked God to give me strength to finished my work in my current job. I am thankful that he taught me how to face a very masculine (not a positive term) man. He taught me how the way to communicate with colleague or inferior. He taught me to distinguish personal feelings from professional work.

He reminds me the reason why I’m still single at this moment. Because I can’t understand men and I can’t handle them. At least for now. Because I need to wait longer for settling down. Because I still couldn’t handle break up if it happens. Because even farewell with him broke my heart real bad.

It was 9 months for a colorful phase of my life. All the laugh, smile, anger, madness, and tears I will always remember.

Now’s he’s gone for good. I gotta let him go, for good this time. Because no matter how much I love him, but if we hurt each other, we gotta let go.

I just wish he’s aware that his existence was that special. I wish he knew that his smile changes my life, and could change the world.

I made my promise to love him unconditionally since the first time I fall for him. I know his past and I know his present. So yes, I still do love him unconditionally eventhough there are some attitudes of him that I couldn’t tolerate. Love doesn’t necessary mean possession afterall.

I made my promise to keep alive after he leaves. So I’ll manage to survive. I am a grown-up woman already to know that if it means to be, it means to be.

So, see you when I see you. I’m gonna miss the red tumbler on the top of your desk. That was the thing that makes me relieve to know that you were still around. And that thing’s gone now, so does you.

You saw me once very excited when I met my old friend. And then you asked me whether I will be that excited if you leave one day and meet me again. I tell you the real answer, I will be crying in happy tears if I ever see your face again.

Ive been thinking lately about critics

On July 2014 I wrote about this. But somehow I forget to post this

froyolava:

Friends who criticize you are the ones who care the most.

Sometimes I do have problem in accepting critics. But I’ve been thinking lately that friends who gave me critics are the one who care the most.

They have faith in you, that you will listen to them. That you will accept their judgement with no judgement. That you can change to be better. That the bound between you are unbreakable, and you can always share the umbrella.

So I am utterly grateful to have them.

Appreciate ! Appreciate !

May July a good month to find a new job and move on.

It’s a good month anyway !

Nostalgia: Emotions from Undergraduate Thesis in 2011

Couple of days ago, I accidentally open softcopy file of my undergraduate thesis. And it remind me of all emotions I had when writing that thing: all the pain, all the heartaches, all the spirit, all the pride, all the tears, all the laugh, all the love, and so on and so on. Because it was reflected in my writing

Hereby, I would like to share all those emotions. 

(if the images below are too small, you can go to the bottom of this post, point your mouse to the post box, and when you see the time information below this post box, click it. It will be opened in a new page)

This is the front page of my thesis:

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This is the statement of anti-plagiarism or that sort of thing:

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Me and my thesis advisor are very proud of this thesis. This is her statement: 

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Most students write a very short and mainstream introduction part. But not for me. I transfer all my emotions while writing this thesis into a-two-page-of-introduction. This is a glimpse of my introduction:

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This is a glimpse of my thank you note: 

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This is the thesis abstract (in English):

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This is the result of my research. FYI, this chart is not taken from a book or internet. This is the chart that I made my own based on my research findings:

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And this, is not the theory from a book or internet. This is the theory I made my own on my thesis.

Yes, I created a theory from my thesis:

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Gosh I should go back to research world

As an Indonesian living abroad, and with limited Bahasa Indonesia skills, I appreciate your post about the elections! I'm trying to keep up with the latest news but it's been quite challenging. Anyway, I chose Jokowi too - like you said, he's not perfect, but Prabowo's human rights track record scares the hell out of me. Again, thanks for the post! :)
Anonymous

Hi ! It’s nice to meet you online ! Im thankful that you appreciate my post. Yeah nobody is perfect, but question is who open the door for people contribution, including Indonesians who live abroad, to build the nation together„ right ? :))

Indonesia Presidential Election 2014: Getting Smarter !

Usually, at the moment of election, I will write my analysis about all candidates and everything happened during campaign period which come up into a result of whom I choose. I will try to do at again this time, but with more careful because at this moment I’m working for President’s Delivery Unit for Development Monitoring and Oversight, which require to be neutral from political activities.

At nowaday’s election, I realize that I’m getting smarter and smarter. And I hope everybody else do as well. It is more obvious for me when a media favor one candidate over the other. They always talk about the favored candidate anytime anywhere when they have a chance. And the words they used to describe all candidates also shows. Well actually it’s either they’re getting dumber by being not as smooth as it used to be, or I’m getting smarter.

On the last presidential election (2009), I couldn’t care less about the Presidential Candidates debate held by Election Commission on TV. And I even didn’t know whom to choose, so I went to ballot box but didn’t choose anyone. But 2014 is different. I now care about the election. I’m not freak who do deep research about both candidates, but at least I’m trying to find out more about the vision and mission from both candidates, one of which by watching the debate held by Election Commission on TV. Not only that, I read newspaper (although I do suspect newspaper and magazine that I read favor one candidate secretly) and also analyze track record of both candidates.

I am actually pretty dissapointed of both candidates. They are not the best Presidential candidates for me. I already have preference, although it is more based on my hatred to one candidate rather than favoritism to another candidate. Because I choose the lesser evil in the end.

I’m 23 years old and this is the second year after my bachelor degree graduation. I’m, and apparently most of fellow youngster around me, realize that at this level of nationhood, 69 years after country’s independence, we should have the mindset that "whoever the President is, we should contribute to build our together". Question now is: who opens the door for people contribution as much as it should be ?

There is this one good article written by my senior in debate team back in my university: 

https://m.facebook.com/notes/melanie-tedja/kalau-pendukung-jokowi-mau-jujur/10152210158341314/?refsrc=https%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2Fnotes%2Fmelanie-tedja%2Fkalau-pendukung-jokowi-mau-jujur%2F10152210158341314%2F&refid=9&_rdr#_=_

I should inform you first that she is fellow debaters who is very critical and not take for granted both candidates just like that. At least, she is smarter than me la.

From her writing, we can see that both candidates are not perfect. All of them (Presidential candidates and Vice Presidential candidates) has their own track record and none of them are smooth. None of them are angel. But one candidate open the door for people contribution to help the government build the country, while another candidate (as I predict) will be very bossy, close themselves from people contribution let alone critics, because they think they are the best person in the country.

When we talk about law supremacy, it is clear to me that one Vice Presidential candidate has a very bad track record when his son commit to an accident that kill a person, now the case vanish just like that. Don’t you think it is very obvious that it must be because of his help as a Minister to close the case ? Thus I strike him off from my list because how can I trust law affirmation in the hand of people who use their political power to manipulate law ?

Of all 5 candidates debate on TV, there is one debate that grip my attention which is the debate on the issue of International Politics and National Resilience, simply because that’s the issue I’m expertise at. Other debate are too political for me and too tiring. But on the issue I’m expertise at, I can see who knows nothing but open himself for some lessons, and who already have a glimpse of knowledge but went underperform. (please read my review about the International Politics and National Resilience debate on: http://froyolava.tumblr.com/post/90233823343). And of course I prefer person who start zero but open himself for inputs to make him smarter.

As a supporter of human rights and feminism movement, what option that I have ? Yes one candidate stumbled on this issue because of a not-beautiful-history he has done in the past. But as my senior pointed out on her writing above, we don’t know which story is true and which is wrong. It’s too much and too tiring for us. And when we go back to the question “who opens the door for people contribution as much as it should be ?”, it’s more than obvious that human rights movement will be affirmed and get more space under presidency of another candidate. Because the candidate who has a not-beautiful-history in the area of human rights will be reluctant to support human rights movement as it will be obstacle for his political career.

I will choose someone who put themselves on my shoes. I will choose someone who knows how it feels like to fight for daily living, not someone who can get everything easily as he wishes on his daily life because he has limitless resources (by this I mean money). I will choose someone who wants to limit his power to feel how hard the life of other people “below” him, so that he can make perfect policy which favor marginalized people. I mean, how can you trust the building of better mass transportation system on the hand of someone who use private jet and helicopter to go everywhere ?

And lastly, as pescetarian, I will not choose the candidate who on the 5th Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates debate said they will multiply the number of livestock for the sake of food resilience. Because it shows that they don’t realize that there are still some unsolved cases of animal abuse in the food processing. And of course they put more and more people into health risk as red meat and chemically-compromised white meat are dangerous.

Therefore in the end, I vote for one candidate over another. It doesn’t matter who you choose in the end, whether it is the same with me or not, but we must getting smarter.

Realization from the last Presidential Candidates debate about International Politics and National Resilience

Disclaimer: This writing is not written by a person who defend one side over another. This writing is written by a person who appreciate human intelligence.

The third presidential candidates debate was the most exciting debate for me as it match with my educational background. Seeing that debate and this campaign team debate has strucked me with some realization.

Lemme introduce you to my lecturer Andi Widjajanto at this video (standing at the side of Jokowi-JK). He’s an expert at international relations studies with concentration on security studies. I never took his class back in my uni because I took concentration on transnational civil society studies. People from transnational civil society studies often see people from security studies as prioritize country over people, heartless, also evil and shallow-minded. And as someone who has passion in transnational civil society studies, I do regret the fact that both presidential candidates only emphasize on security and economic aspect of international politics during the last debate. Although Mas Andi on the campaign team debate claimed that Jokowi already emphasized on people-to-people relations during presidential candidates debate, I didn’t see it clearly. I only see the people-to-people relations aspect brought by Jokowi on the issue of Indonesian migrant workers, and that’s it. Even in that issue, what Jokowi emphasized was Indonesian position as a country and didn’t brought up the issue of people participation.

But seeing this campaign team debate, I never thought that Mas Andi could be that smart and awesome ! I remember my lecturer / academic sister once said that Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA) must act to defend and represent the nation. Thus the focus is on the country not on the people. Because that’s MoFA’s job at the first place. And I think that’s the position of Jokowi and Prabowo at the previous debate. Because they will represent the country not as their personal but as the country’s leader. And topic of the debate was national resilience anyway, so….

Anyway, I heard some people underestimated Jokowi before the debate because they thought Prabowo will have an upper-hand when it comes to security issue. Seriously if you ever underestimate Jokowi at international security issue, you clearly don’t know who’s behind Jokowi’s back. 

Seeing this campaign team debate, it is also clear that Tantowi Yahya doesn’t comprehend the substance and has only good public speaking skill. I am ironically amazed by his ability to stay confident when he face someone whose skill is up above him thousand times.

And I learnt so much from Mas Andi’s style on how to negate someone stupid without getting too emotional and in the end humiliate ourselves. I admire his gesture, his voice tone, his confident, his serenity throughout the debate, and of course the fact that he comprehend the issue 100%. These two debates refresh my mind with international relations studies again, and it made me realize that I have to go back to where I belong, international relations world.

Mental war : Another form of “glass ceiling”

You maybe ever heard of “glass ceiling”. It’s the phenomena where most women can’t reach higher position or level in the career because of some limitation and discrimination. Why we call it “glass” because the limitation is sometimes unseen and unrecognizable. But it’s totally a thing, although not all women face it.

Based on my experience of three years in working field, I recognize another form of glass ceiling aside from underestimation of women capability due to wrong stereotype. That is what I call as “mental war”.

In the mental war, men will trying to put you (women) down by mocking you and saying bad things about you. They will try so hard to make you believe that you are bad, ugly, unworthy. They will also try to convince you to believe that your condition and your life are that bad and nothing in this world could ever make it better.

Why women is the victim here ? And why it is a form of glass ceiling? Because we care so much about ourselves, about people around us, and about what people think about us. And in the work field, if we already lose our confident, our performance will drop and it will hinder us from reaching higher step in our career. Maybe, it’s their intention anyway because men are (naturally) so terrified of losing from us (in all aspects).

They will claim to you that they are joking. They will say that you are their best friend so they are comfortable to talk or say anything to you. But your true friends will support you, make you feel good about yourself, appreciate your being in whatever condition of yourself, and direct you to do the right thing. They will not make you feel bad, put you down, and drag you down even further.

So yes, believe them not. Leave them behind. They can’t move on their life because their shallow-minded just focus on the surface, on the looks. While truth be told, that your perseverance and dedication is what makes you success in the end. So yes, dress up and act politely to respect other people whom you will meet. But focus more on that will bring you to success. And if they say that you are in bad condition, don’t believe them. They are not God who know everything about you and predict the future. They are just outsider who doesn’t know your true strength to move the mountain. Believe me that you are fine and everything is (or will be) fine.

Afterall,

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Because at the end of the day, respect is not earned by how pretty or handsome you are, how well you dress up or how tall the heels u are wearing in the office. Respect is earned by how well you treat others. How you treat your inferior is a test that will determine how many respect you’ll earn, and frankly how many friends you’ll get. Your look gets (only) attention, but your manner and personality win the heart.

My interns are so sweet like diabetes… They wouldn’t do this if I am ever being “bossy”, would they ? Will your interns do this to you ? 😏

Because at the end of the day, respect is not earned by how pretty or handsome you are, how well you dress up or how tall the heels u are wearing in the office. Respect is earned by how well you treat others. How you treat your inferior is a test that will determine how many respect you’ll earn, and frankly how many friends you’ll get. Your look gets (only) attention, but your manner and personality win the heart.

My interns are so sweet like diabetes… They wouldn’t do this if I am ever being “bossy”, would they ? Will your interns do this to you ? 😏

I am average girl living in a big city. But I aint living an easy life in which can get anything that I want only by asking to my parents. I work hard and struggle to get what I want since I was kid, and failed many times. So I am raised to be tough by my own.

I am so sick lately with some shallow-minded people who judge my life as miserable for being alone. 
Yes, my life ain’t easy. But there no shame in my life. Because I work hard to sustain the living of my family. Because I (and my sister) are their only hope to survive. I live with abnormal burden for a 23 y.o. girl. And if I ever, ever, need any help, I still have abundant number of friends who back me up. 

Maybe they judge me because they wouldn’t survive if they ever be in my position: to be the breadwinner of their family. Maybe they judge me because they are not able to stand on their own feet and they’re in desperate need of others’ company. Maybe they judge me because they don’t have friends who always be on their side. 


In that case, shame on their life. (at Jakarta, Indonesia)

I am average girl living in a big city. But I aint living an easy life in which can get anything that I want only by asking to my parents. I work hard and struggle to get what I want since I was kid, and failed many times. So I am raised to be tough by my own.

I am so sick lately with some shallow-minded people who judge my life as miserable for being alone.
Yes, my life ain’t easy. But there no shame in my life. Because I work hard to sustain the living of my family. Because I (and my sister) are their only hope to survive. I live with abnormal burden for a 23 y.o. girl. And if I ever, ever, need any help, I still have abundant number of friends who back me up.

Maybe they judge me because they wouldn’t survive if they ever be in my position: to be the breadwinner of their family. Maybe they judge me because they are not able to stand on their own feet and they’re in desperate need of others’ company. Maybe they judge me because they don’t have friends who always be on their side.
In that case, shame on their life. (at Jakarta, Indonesia)